Last week, I made my first post in a while and reintroduced myself to this blogging space. I’m still working through a lot of stuff, but I wanted to talk about what made me want to do this and what motivated me to get back into this. You would be surprised to learn that I actually missed this. Even though I struggling with keeping up with the schedule that I had set for myself, I missed this. I missed having a little bit of pressure that got me motivated to do things outside of work. When I was in school, there was so much going on that I couldn’t not do things outside of the studies that I was working on. Sometimes the things that were ‘outside’ of my work would actually wind up coinciding with things that I was working on for classes. Those were the best days, but they weren’t common.
Work has become a very different beast and poses a completely different problem now that I’m out here. I’m often exhausted at the end of the day in a way that goes beyond just being physically tired. My brain and everything feels like it’s done ‘enough’ and I feel like I just can’t be bothered to do anything more. It sits deep in my bones and guides me to my bed after a long day at work and leads me to lay down and stare up at the ceiling for a long period of time.
But despite that exhaustion, I’m not being wrung dry of all the thoughts and ideas and things that I want to do and that’s the main problem. My head was still full of thoughts, but I was just going to bed and let everything kind of rot away in my head. I’ve found that I really hate that. I hate not having everything in my head used up on paper. I missed being able to have the space to do that kind of work. That’s what’s brought me back.
So now I’m throwing this on top of work and everything else that is exhausting to me. Ironically, I’m finding that in starting this that I’m getting rid of some of that mental fog and keeping myself working in a way that I wasn’t between college and now. I also understand that this conversation sounds absolutely ridiculous.
I’m 24, not 44. I haven’t had 20+ years of the same old, same old being thrown at me. I’ve had a couple years in various offices and a year of working on my own as a freelancer. I’m not going to retire anytime soon. I know that already. I know that I’m not going to get to lounge around and write all the time like I want to, but I need just a little bit of that dream in my life to keep me working for something.
I would much rather not be chained to my desk at work all the time. I would rather find something else to do with my days, but that’s not how capitalism works and that’s not how I’m going to make sure that I have a solid future.
But even if I was free of work, I would be inside, working my tail off on something that made me happy. I would be writing, learning how to paint, getting involved in all the things that I don’t have time for right now. Maybe some of that is sitting at a desk, but so much more of it is getting out there and trying things that I have always wanted to. But I am 24 and I’ve got to keep food on the table and a roof over my head. Not just for me, but for that super cute cat that I love that is next to me, grooming herself.
Coming here and wanting to redo this whole blog thing isn’t just about getting my brain working again. It’s about getting something out of my system. There are so many days that I have walked away from work and spent the whole day thinking about projects that I love, but by the time I open that front door, I am ready to fall down and sleep. At 5 pm. Those days are the worst. And that exhaustion doesn’t come from one specific place like my manager or my coworkers or my work. It’s everything all at once and yet just the fact that work can be be incredibly exhausting. Sometimes you’re just going to be that done at the end of the day. I get. I’ve felt it enough times to understand what causes it, but I’m at work and I can’t just skip over the parts of life to rest up the way that I want to.
But the other part of rest is mental renewal. You can’t be sitting there, focused on one thing forever. Heck, I can’t even do that during the day. You have to get up, walk around, let your mind wander, and then turn around and come back to that first task that you were working on. That’s not a bad thing. Some people try to look at that kind of working as something that means that you’re less than. You know what that means to me? It means you’re human. No one can sit for several hours without their mind wandering at least once.
In the last couple of months, I haven’t been taking the time to find projects for myself that requite a schedule that will keep me coming back to something and walking away from other work that I keep focusing too intently on. I’m changing that. I have a calendar tracking all of the things that I’m writing for the blog and how much writing I’m doing in general. I’ve got everything down at the moment. Will it stay that way in the future? Definitely not, but I’m doing my best.
Maybe I’ll come away from this whole thing writing more again, just in general. Maybe I won’t. I really don’t know what’s going to happen at the end of all of this or where the end may really be. I just know that I’ve been dealing with some shit and instead of actually giving myself a way to get rid of all that energy, I have been pushing it further and further down and now I’m bursting with energy.
As a real part of the writing update that I’m crafting here:
I’ve got three projects to help me burn off all that extra energy that I’ve been talking about.
The first, this. It’s eating up most of my bandwidth as I get into the swing of things and work on prepping content out further than necessary to give myself some padding in case anything goes wrong in the rest of my life. This I view as a necessity. i can’t pretend that I’m going to be okay if I just fly by the seat of my pants here.
The second, a fanwork. This project is…massive to put it as briefly as possible. I don’t want to share anything else about it at the moment as I’m still working on the drafting process and I’m not sure how it’s going to turn out. I may decide to share more information about this project as I get into it, but at this point, I don’t want to share it out there with the world at the moment. I’m maintaining some stuff online for the work even as I draft, but it’s a little bit separated from me. Have I already almost posted the wrong thing to the wrong Twitter? Of course. I’m very bad at technology.
The third, Zodiac Nymphs. This is another larger project that I’ve been working on. It’s a massive world. I’ve been working on a story in the world, but I’m not sure what part of the story I really want to focus on and develop into something more. I’ll either figure it out or I won’t. Who knows where I will really go with the story at this point?
How am I keeping track of all these projects? Not well. I’ll put it that way. I’ve made an Asana board for my blog writing, so I may make a board to help me keep track of my writing progress, especially as we get closer and closer to November.
Until next week, I’ll be here, screaming in the void or my pillow or both.